Christopher Maurice Brown (born May 5, 1989) is an American singer-songwriter, dancer, music video director and actor.
But it’s OK - Ne-Yo’s fixing it. Ne-Yo has decided that the photo of Rihanna’s smashed face and Chris Brown’s arrest and subsequent apology don’t tell the whole story, so he’s decided to act as an R&B intermediary between the pair of them.
Ne-Yo’s plan is already in effect - he’s spoken to Rihanna and apparently she’s ‘fine’ - and next he’ll talk to Chris Brown. He may even use the word ‘Bruh’ if things get heavy. Don’t mess with Ne-Yo.
The best thing about Chris Brown being arrested for allegedly attacking Rihanna until she needed hospital treatment is that there are no end of celebrities willing to wade in with their take. Literally every celebrity on Earth has decided to share their opinion about Chris Brown - Roseanne, that woman who sometimes hangs around with Oprah Winfrey - all of them.
Trouble is, none of them have been Ne-Yo. Ne-Yo is different. Ne-Yo loves women. Ne-Yo called his last album The Age Of The Gentleman so he’s obviously a gentleman - even though to listen to the album is to understand that his idea of gentlemanly conduct involves having a testicle amputation and then crying a lot.
Ne-Yo was named after the Neo character from The Matrix, whose name was an anagram of ‘one’. Technically Ne-Yo’s name is spelt differently, so it’s only an anagram of ‘oney’ which doesn’t make sense - but that’s beside the point. The point is that Ne-Yo understands.
How much does Ne-Yo understand? Enough for him to be able to sort out this mess between Rihanna and Chris Brown singlehandedly, that’s how much. Ne-Yo is friends with both Rihanna and Chris Brown, so he’s decided to get to the bottom of all those bruises on her face the only way he knows how - via the medium of agonised heart-to-hearts.
Ne-Yo has already had a discussion with Rihanna about the incident, as MTV reports:
“I spoke to Rihanna. She says she’s fine. She didn’t go into detail about what happened. I understand it’s a painful situation; I didn’t push.”
Phew, thank goodness that’s sorted out. Honestly Ne-Yo, you’re wasted as a girl-voiced R&B singer. You should be a private detective or a police superintendent or something. If only people had applied this innovative ‘don’t push’ and ‘no details’ investigative methods at the start of this case, Rihanna might have avoided all this mess.
Meanwhile, Ne-Yo hasn’t spoken to Chris Brown. But he’s going to, and he knows exactly what he’s going to say:
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chris yet. I just wanna sit down and talk to that dude and just explain if he doesn’t understand: ‘That’s not something that’s excusable, bruh. You have to get a little smarter about whatever it is going on in your relationship. You have to get a little smarter about how you handle certain situations.’”
Obviously this will be all the punishment that Chris Brown needs and, having been called ‘bruh’ by Ne-Yo, there’ll be no need for him to go to prison or anything like that.
Chris Brown can’t be having much fun.
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