As The Year Ends..............

It's always good too look back over the past year and reflect - oh bollocks ........ I've not got time, so here are 3 random pictures of me with "things". !st in bed with Eeyore, then outside with Dr Who's Tardis and finally looking all Scissor Sister's like with Fozzie the Muppet bear!
Now use your imagination and think about what sort of fun year its been!"

Christmas - highs and lows

Those that know me, know I don't actually "do" Christmas - which can be really hard when EVERYONE around you celebrates it.

The highs included not having to rush around town buying the wrong sort of presents in crowded shops or sitting with relatives you don't like etc but apart from my Bah Humbug attitude, Christmas also has other highs. It is a time of year where most people are more friendlier and giving. This year it was good to spend time with my friends and be part of their Christmas, even if I don't celebrate it myself! Whether it's family or friends, being with people you care about is always uplifting.

The lows included just one noticeable point - I saw my older brother, whom I have finally got closer to after all these years. Yet the pressure of Christmas and not seeing his daughter for 11 years quickly led to depression (alcohol didn't help).To cut a long story short - he tried to end his life by driving his car into a barrier because of how he felt.

Christmas can be a beautiful time of the year for people with loving strong families or with religious convictions but for many, it can be a hard time of the year. For those who live alone or have lost a loved one or go into debt to pay for the presents. Seeing family or friends or giving gifts need not be limited to just one day of the year.

May each of us surprise someone we know in 2006 by doing an act of kindness - whether it be a phone call or a visit or a little present to show we love them on a day they least expect it!

Coventry At Night

Taken with my phone, the two pictures above show some of the unusual lights in my city. The picture on the left is the water fountains opposite the Cathedral that are lit up. The picture on the right is the fantastic "Coventry Transport Museum". On the ground are unusual lights that tell the time around the world and above is the lovely lit bridge over Millennium Place.

See............... Coventry is not all bad!

My Top 5 Singles (this week)

1. James Blunt - "Goodbye My Lover"
2. Girls Aloud - "See The Day"
3. Nizlopi - "JCB Song"
4. Pussycat Dolls - "Stickwithu"
5. Sugababes - "Ugly"

Some great songs out at the moment and all 5 songs are pretty mellow and I love all 5 of them soooooooooooo much. I'm going into HMV tomorrow to buy Girls Aloud - I just wonder what other single/s I will be buying?! I'll let you know.

Wonder if Nizlopi (local lads from Leamington Spa!) will hold on to the top spot and get the Christmas #1, I hope so.

Tired..........

Damn you all for posting so many Christmas cards and presents LOL, I just spent 12 hours sorting endlessly packet after packet all in aid of getting them to their destination asap.
No late night for me - I'm back up @3:40 to work my day off so I can get buy some nice things in the January sales when they come, since I don't actually celebrate Christmas!

Deal or No Deal

I love "Deal or No Deal" on Channel 4 everyday @16:15 - this is the only TV programme I will lose sleep for every afternoon. I never liked Noel Edmonds before this but on this programme he's great. Seems that the viewers are loving it as well as this is fast becoming Channel 4's top rated daily programme with 3 million per show - not bad for such an early programme. Imagine if it went peak time viewing!

I love the roller coaster ride with each show as they try and win the £250,000 top prize and avoid the 1p, the added bonus is that there are no questions so even thicko's like me can join in!

Another Funny Email

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on afence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly awaywith the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is "the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Thanks Daz!

Shredded Wheat

I hate Shredded Wheat and that is now official!!

Recently I thought I would try them since they were on special offer and looked quite a healthy purchase. I opened them two days ago and noticed they come in sealed packs of three, just a con to make us eat three not two I thought but still opened them and put them in my bowl.

That's when the fun began - you try eating 3 of them in a normal bowl! The sugar falls off them and the milk goes everywhere. Next time I'll buy the bite size pack.

It's Saturday night and I'm staying in - shock horror ................. Well I am going to be doing overtime @05:45 so need to be up early.

Inside Royal Mail

Due to the secrecy act I 'm not about to reveal any insider information about my work but what I can tell you is - it's jolly busy as I'm stuck indoors for the two week Christmas period sorting the millions of letters that are making their way through the largest sorting office in the UK where I work.

Normally I am doing lots of overtime, yet this week has been just like any other as during the final month of the Royal Mail monopoly budgets and cutbacks remain the focus. In fact I'm normally out delivering the mail not sorting it, but since going back to Royal Mail earlier this year, I've had to settle for being the bottom of the ladder - which means I have to do whatever job they throw my way!

Oh I'm rambling on so it's time to get my finger out and get my sorting head on and send those Christmas cards to the right part of the world!

P.S. - Loved the artist stamp above - maybe it reflects what working next to me can be like when I fart!

Brighton Picture Update

As you can see above, we didn't get out and about to see the sights in Brighton this time around - it was one hell of a lazy week but helped along by lots of alcohol and a crazy mix of student life.
Picture 1 is of Alex and I ,just before going clubbing and picture 2 shows us the day after!
Picture 3 was taken late at night, watching TV with the headphones on cos Alex and Helen were working hard on an essay.
Picture 4 was me cuddled up with our adopted baby "Eyore" and the final picture was just me poseing for the sake of it.

I'm just so happy things turned out well in Brighton and everything is back to normal. Life without Alex was just ordinary, life with Alex is extraordinary!

New Pics.........

I'm too tired tonight to post the new pictures taken during my week in Brighton, not that we went out much in daylight!

I'll post the pictures asap.

Re-union Night

It was a special night tonight in this double re-union. First of all it's the first public picture of Alex and I since the break-up/make-up (.......Just when you think of the word "never" something happens to spoil it ......... Thankfully this time!) and secondly it was the re-union of Bananadrama.
(see: http://robmacca.blogspot.com/2005/09/bananadrama.html )
I'm not a birthday sort of person, but it was Norman's 21st and both of us value Norman as a good friend who has been loyal, so we gladly took the 2hr 45 min journey to join in the fun on his special night.
The picture above says it all really - he's as mad as ever and totally enjoying life. Loved the live band and enjoyed having a bop - so thanks for another Bananadrama moment worth remembering.

Thanks Norman.

Love Update

After travelling about 160 miles to get to Brighton, I had the dilema of how it would all work out. Alex didn't know I would be arriving to sort things out. I didn't know if we would even work things out!
It was now 18:30 on the Saturday and I text Alex to find out what he was doing etc............... but I didn't get a reply and I was already outside his Uni campus building. I was going to say in my next text that we needed to talk and then tell him I was outside - but because I'd not had a reply to my first text I couldn't do that. I sat for 30 mins just waiting for a reply, then - to my surprise Alex walked past with his friend. I waved and he just waved back and carried on. It turns out he hadn't recognised me.
1. It was dark
2. I had a hat on
3. He wasn't expecting it to be me.

Now I was worried he was ignoring me so I rang his mobile and said "Don't say hello then" and said I was there. "Where?" replied Alex "behind you on the floor you fool!"
He looked behind and suddenly clicked it had been me waving and he came running towards me.

Travelling half way across the country for a face to face talk to iron out our problems worked. Swollowing my stubborn pride and Alex being totally honest paid off - it was not time to end something so special so soon.

Love really can screw us up and it can also make us do things we wouldn't normally do but at the end of the day, if love is true then it will endure along the lines of 1Corinthians 13...................

(Get your Bibles out and read that fantastic chapter sometime!)


Anyway, I'm here in Brighton until Sunday and I'm glad the love we had has been ressurected and brought back to life - hopefully we will both learn something from this hurdle we have had to get over.

Dramatic Choice

This weekend I made a choice I would not normally make - I gave someone a second chance!

Regular visitors to my Blog will know that two weeks ago, a relationship ended that hurt me inside. My normal course of action in such events is just to cut that hurt out and not let it affect my day to day life. Indeed - I was doing quite well, still socialising and getting on with life without this person.
Yet everytime I recieved a text message on my phone, my hopes lifted - somehow hoping it was from a certain someone. But even when it was, I would throw the phone on the bed and huff , then not reply!
After getting a few text messages at the latter part of last week, I unblocked that person from my MSN and had a real long chat. We were able to talk and try and get to he bottom of things, explaining how we we'd both been feeling over the past two weeks.

I was now faced with a difficult choice - do I keep that person cut out of my life forever or do I make a dramatic move and change the situation?

I was originally going to stay with them this coming week (until we split up of course!) , but now I had made alot of alternative plans to do things with friends throughout the week. My discision to take that 6 hour journey and sort things out face to face, meant I'd have to cancel all my plans for the week with my friends in favour of trying to sort things out with the one person who made me so happy inside.

I was also taking the biggest risk of my life - they didn't know I was about to turn up outside their Uni room, so I could have a nasty surprise or fallen flat on my face. But this was a risk I was willing to take because I knew I couldn't just throw it all away as easily as I had been prepared to.

Like I said, I have had to cut people off in the past in order to survive and remain strong - yet now I was doing something totally different - I was going to see if I could bring something back to life. I thought I had buried the relationship only days before, now I was going to see if we both really wanted it to really die or had we made a terible mistake?

More updates to follow...............................

Decision Time

As if the drama of the past 2 weeks haven't been enough to keep me busy - I've got some important choices/decisions to make and I need to make them very soon.
I can't go into detail yet, but watch this space as all will be revealed.

Oh man, why can't life just be simple!

Rubber rings and Arm bands!

Maybe my last posting could be taken the wrong way, and I hope it hasn't been offensive to those that are my friends.

So to counter balance the thought of "those that say one thing but do another", I would like to take this time again to thank the many people who have text me too many to list), phoned me (special thanks to Catherine and Peter calling today from Melbourne - you crazy lovely drunks!), emailed me and personally offered me support when I needed it.

Some only know me from my online presence (robmacca/robbie), some may know me out and about in my day to day life (a hug makes a big difference) and some, have stuck by me through the years. Yet at a time I could easily have such down into a depression, you have all been like the rubber ring that has kept me afloat. In so many simple ways people's actions have stopped anger/hatred getting hold of me and causing me to cut myself off from the world and drowning in a pool of sadness.
My friends have also been like arm bands, either side of me supporting me when I have felt weak and vulnerable. Each day I face the waters of life that threaten to wash over me and cause me to splutter, yet knowing the network of people who are in my life - I can face that daily challenge.

What goes on inside a person's head is a very complex matter as we all deal with situations differently. My years at church taught me many good lessons for life and helped me to try and turn bad situations into good.

So instead of being bitter, I can be a better person.

What Lies Beneath

No, not the movie but what really lies beneath the surface when a person says something.

I think I'm fairly well known for my lack of trust in my fellow human beings, and I still maintain that to be true - simply because I understand (partly) how the human mind works.

People often say one thing and do another, or may use a well known expression (such as "I love You") but beneath the surface lies a totally different story. This is where we can get sucked into believeing a "lie" , some intentional some unintentional of course. Many times we are told what we want/need to hear but in time the evidence becomes clear that beneath the surface is another agenda at work.

We are all guilty of saying things we dont mean or promises we can't keep but "time" provides us with the answers to those questions that puzzle us.

Speachless

I really don't know what to say -

- should I write a poem?
- should I tell you my deepest thoughts?
- should I just go to bed?

Lots of things still swirling around my head and I face alot of conflicting thoughts but at the moment I can't seem to put finger to keyboard!
My best option is just to go to bed.

Snow at last.............

Finally it snowed this afternoon here (about 2 hours ago) while I was at Andy's (setting up his new PC and eating pie & chips!).

I love the snow when it is so fresh and crisp as seen in the photo I took from the warmth of his dining room.

Short and sweet Blog today, I need my sleep before Martin gets here or else I will be falling asleep later this evening. Not much to report except I have been really missing a certain somebody and was tempted to text but I know it will do me no good.................

A New Chapter

Right, enough of the mumbo jumbo - it's time to move on and open a new chapter in the life of "robmacca"!

No matter how crap I might feel inside, I won't let it affect what I do on the outside. That's why this weekend has been "business as usual" on the social front. I met up with Andy, Jayne and Tom for a good night out (with the occasional chin wag about the break up!) and today I'm going bowling with Dannykins. I know I'm gonna lose cos lets face it - Danny has his own special bowling shoes!

On the home front - I've got a new lodger moving in today, which should prove quite interesting ............ Watch this space for any hot news and gossip. (Which reminds me - I must change my homepage from being my Blog to something like www.bbc.co.uk - I wouldn't want him reading about my life!)

Things are also shaping up for the first week in December (I was due to go to Brighton but lets face it, that's not gonna happen ........ I think I'd sooner watch it snow in the Antarctic! But if anyone wants the travel tickets they are more than welcome to contact me!!). From day trips to visiting good friends, it's all about getting my life back on track.

Now I can begin to be the independent man once again and do things my way. It's territory I feel safe in, it's old ground that has made me the strong person I have become today. Do I hurt inside? ............Yes! Will I let it stop me from repairing the damage and getting on with life? .................No!

Day 4: The End - Final Pictures......

The party has come to an end and it's time to look at the final ever pictures of my time with Alex in Brighton.









Most of the pictures above are from a Student Halloween Party we went to and the picture at the top right hand side is our final one together, taken as I headed back to Coventry.
The past is now buried and the chapter has been finished, it is now time for a new beginning and a new chapter in my life ............................

Yo Yo Feelings

A week after being dumped and my feelings are still up and down like a yo yo. One minute its "business as normal" and I'm just getting on with life, then the next minute I feel very alone in the world.

It's like being in a crowd but being alone.

I was out with friends clubbing last night and even though I was having fun and dancing, I was aware that inside I was alone. This was again brought home to me today as I was delivering mail, an old lady had stood waiting each day. She pointed to a picture on the wall of a man, who happened to be her dead husband. She was very sad and had spent many hours crying as she missed her partner. In a very small way, I could feel her loss and it made me aware that I too face that prospect.

You might think I'm being negative but I'm just a realist - most people in their latter years face the prospect of being alone, especially when their partner dies. I stand a good chance of being one of those statistics, no matter how many friends I have I face the inevitable future.

On a positive note, I'm feeling quite optimistic about life in general - "everything happens for a reason" - so the saying goes and if that's true then I'm looking forward to the new opportunities coming my way. 2005 has been a great year and I have so much to be thankful for. Out of my sadness has come much happiness - my friends have been really great and in my hour of need they have been there for me. Most don't even know I have this Blog so don't know how I'm feeling inside most days but I've got through the week because of them. From a simple text message to a "Thanks for being a good friend" card in the post - they have been wonderful.

Thanks.

Day 3: Memories

The memories continue of my week in Brighton last month. Pictures 1 and 3 were taken by Alex on the night out at "Dynamite Boogaloo". The second picture was taken earlier on that Thursday evening as we were at Brighton Pier - just after I'd had my hair done. The final picture was of Alex and I enjoying an Italian meal - the best Italian I'd ever tasted!

Tomorrow will be the final set of pictures - and our very last one "ever" ,before that past is buried.

Top 10 "Uplifting" Tunes

Everyone deals with relationship break-ups differently and it also affects us all differently. Who hasn't had their heart broken or had to break someone's heart? It's one of those sad times in our life, which doesn't always get easier with age and the ironic thing is - we never learn either, cos we allow the next person to trample on our fragile heart!

But that is the risk you take falling in love, you have to allow for the one you love to hurt you (intentionally or un-intentionally). I'm glad I opened my heart enough to let someone in - that meant compromising and being willing to open up and do things differently but the positives far outweighted the negatives.

Now this chapter of my life has been closed, I can't help feeling down and today was one of those days. In the office I had been pretty much OK but once out delivering the post on my own, thoughts started creeping into my head. Rather than let these thoughts drag me down more, I focused on the music I was listening too and allowed it to lift me up.

It's even more fun when you imagine the video to the song or a happy memory associated with the song, so here are my Top 10 "Uplifting" Tunes:

1. Love at First Sight (US Version) - Kylie
2. Hung Up - Madonna
3. In Your Eyes - Kylie
4. Independence Day - Melanie C
5. In the Morning - The Coral
6. Don't Wanna Lose This Feeling (Into the Groove mix) - Danni Minogue
7. The Show - Girls Aloud
8. Can't Get You Outta My Head - Kylie
9. Push the Button - Sugababes
10. Wake Me Up - Girls Aloud

OK, not much variety but these tracks are on my MP3 player and cheer me up when I'm delivering..........

Day 2 - More Celebrations............

Another great collection of memories from Brighton last month.
Clockwise: From the nice and relaxed, to the getting drunk and then totally drunk!
It was also a great time to be out with Alex and his friend Mikey, its just a pity those nights will never be repeated............

My Radio Phone In

Good start to the day - I got up @03:30 and went to work as normal but they had covered my day off - so I went back home.
I had the radio on in the background while they were doing a competition. The DJ's were acting out a few lines from a film and we needed to phone in and guess the answer.
I rang, not thinking it would ring but be engaged - well I got straight through and before I knew it was on the radio with the right answer "Bridget Jones Diary"
Lovely feel good romantic film (not sure I want to see it at the moment!)
I had the choice of CD's - Rachel Stevens, Craig David or David Gray. I chose the lovely Craig David. "Don't Love You No More" is his latest and rather fitting single out at the moment!

You can hear it here:

http://s57.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0K7Z4IH7BHRFQ09E7LCXDL6VT2

Time for a funeral............

............ and those that really know me, know I love a good funeral.
Afterall, it has the word "fun" in it, so why not be happy. The good news is, it won't be my funeral, no matter how sad I felt at the weekend - I love life way too much to let someone send me to an early grave. I'm sure they are getting on quite nicely with their life doing all the things they desired to do.

The good news about funeral's, is you know the person won't be making a return, so now is my chance to "bury" the past and start afresh. So for the rest of the week I am going to have a celebration. Rather than being glum, I'm looking back on the happy memories and putting them to positive use.

So come and join me in my little funeral celebration!

*cakes and squash will be provided on Friday night for all*

Celebration...........

6 of the best from last months visit to Brighton, I love these pictures because they capture Alex and I before we went out (picture 1), getting drunk (pictures 2,3,4), a very drunken picture of me (5) clubbing and then normaility returns on a grey Brighton Pier!
I had a fantastic time and nothing will ever change that fact - even now I smile cos of the happy memories.

Feelings...............

Its been a funny few days, well maybe "funny" is not the best word to use but it has certainly given me much to think about. Break up's are never easy, espesially if your the one being dumped.
Anything and everything can suddenly become affected when a relationship ends. On one hand I've been surprised by how well I've been sleeping and eating (almost finished eating a large 962g tin of Terry's Orange Chocolate Segsations!), then on the other hand I seem to lose it just like that.

At work, I'm surrounded by lots of posties for the first 4hours of my working day and this was my first contact face to face contact with people since it happened and I found it really hard. I just wasn't ready to face people and wanted to be back home locked away from the world, where I felt safe. But being "forced" into public life is all part of the cure and tomorrow will be so much easier.

Then while I was on delivery listening to my MP3 player, songs like Evanescence "My Immortal" http://www.lyricsstyle.com/e/evanescence/myimmortal.html and Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" http://www.lyrics007.com/Kelly%20Clarkson%20Lyrics/Since%20You've%20Been%20Gone%20Lyrics.html had me close to tears. Music is a strong medium in times of sadness and we can use it in several ways. It is easy to become depressed and not be able to seperate songs from situations, leading to a downward spiral. Alternatively music can be uplifting and enhance our memories. I'm more likely to be the latter kind of listener as I tend to see the happy memories connected to songs rather than sad ones.

My biggest worry is how I will feel in the weeks to come, at the moment I am fine and healing very quickly but already I'm missing certain aspects of the relationship:
- knowing you'll never see that person again or hold them in your arms
- never saying those words "I love you" ever again
- texting everyday
- knowing all your future plans together lie in ruins

Yet, I can take comfort knowing my conscience is 100% clear as I have done nothing wrong. This time I'm not going to hide away and wait for the perfect partner to come along. I'm quite simply going to carry on with life.
My friends both on and offline have really helped me become stronger as I know they are there for me should I need them. I'm usually quite a tough cookie yet knowing people care about me has touched my heart.

I feel alot better in myself already and have already started making plans to get back into social life. Locking myself away will do me no good at all, so it's life as normal (without the "woe is me" convo's when out!).

I may have lost the one I loved but I have not lost my love of life. Another song sums it up well (Melanie C "First ay of my Life"):

So I found a reason to stay alive
Try a little harder see the other side
Talking to myself Too many sleepless nights
Trying to find a meaning to this stupid life
I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer
They just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first Day of my life

So I found a reason
To let it go
Tell you that I’m smiling
But I still need to grow
Will I find salvation in the arms of love

Will it stop me searching will it be enough

I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer but you just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of my life

The first time to really feel alive
The first time to break the chain
The first time to walk away from pain

Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer we just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of your life
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer they just want more
Hey who’s gonna shine alight?
This could be the first day of my life

Watch the video here: http://search.de.music.yahoo.com/launch/search/?m=video&p=melanie+c&x=19&y=8

Spice Girls come to the Rescue!

In times of disaster, you can always rely on the trusty Spice Girls to save the day!
As I soaked in the bath listening to "Forever", the lyrics of this song seemed to fit a certain situation well -

"Tell Me Why" Lyrics:

oooh......we could have had it all

but you turned your back
it started with dreams it started a team
but you weren't as true as you always seemed
you promised to love
no matter what
yet you turned your back and walked out on me
(verse1)what made you think that without me
your life would be so much better but now you see
that without me
your hopes and dreams
will never be as good as what you had with me
(chorus)so tell me why-oh why
did we end up this way
and we try-we try
to make everything ok
tell me why-oh why
did you feel you couldn't stay
but we could have stayed together
but you wanted it this way
you never thought that i would find out
all of the things you said about us
when you're the one who decided to
erase all our plans and said you are through

-repeat verse 1 and chorus
repeat chorus twice

now tell me was it
your plan all along
to try and use me and then let go
now where is the trust we had between us
i guess that you never played by the rules
can you tell me.............

Lyrics from http://www.sing365.com/